The Black, Blotted Box
by thehunteryeah
Summary: One-Shot. It's Christmas time and Harry Potter awakens upon a peculiar sight: one black, blotted box. What ever could it contain inside? Humor fic. Even Sirius said that this is, "Not Sirius"! Read at your own Risk.


Today he would be celebrating his fourth Christmas at Hogwarts and, needless to say, he was excited. After the brutality of the First Task and the disappointment of the ball, he needed a breather and it had arrived, wrapped up in brightly coloured ribbons.

Seeing as every single one of his room mates was asleep, he had tip-toed to his pile and began to unwrap his presents as silently as he possibly could, so as to not wake them up.

The first present had been a pair of socks from Dobby. An amber, left sock with dancing Firebolt broomsticks and an emerald right sock with zooming golden snitches whizzing about the sock as if gas particles wanting to escape from confined space.

They were so adorable, in fact, that he had removed the second-hand Dudley memorabilia that he had been currently wearing and replaced them with the gifted ones. Dobby would be pleased and they were very comfortable! Then again, anything was more comfortable than Dudley's socks...

The next present that he dared open had been unfortunately from the Dursleys themselves. A single, obviously used, tissue was all that they had sent him. Well, at least they sent him something.

Putting the disgusting tissue in Dudley's old socks, he slid them under Ron's bed before continuing with his pillaging of the ripe boxes of fortune.

Next up was the book 'Quidditch Teams of Britain and Ireland' from Hermione. He would have to thank her later for such a thoughtful gift. Books about Quidditch were so much more interesting than all of the other rubbish that they read every other Saturday at the library when his bushy-haired friend pulled him along to research everything they could on the Second Task.

This was entirely better than anything that Binn's could ever teach them in History of Magic. But to be frank, nothing was worse than Binn's dull and boring voice, expect for maybe Voldemort and his Death Eaters.

Banishing the image of Voldemort falling asleep in Binn's class from his thoughts, he began to unwrap the next present in line.

A bag of Dungbombs from Ron, the git probably got it from Fred and George. If Hermione caught him with this… doomed was too light a word.

Oh, this gave him the perfect idea of using Dungbombs during History. It would be incredibly relieving if he didn't have to sit through an entire lecture on Goblin Rebellions again!

The next present was surprisingly from Sirius himself; of course, it was under the alias of Snuffles, just in case someone happened to read the letter. A magical penknife, fascinating, he would have to show Ron later. Maybe they could use it for – for something.

The next present was just a large box containing Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, Chocolate Frogs and Fizzing Whizbees from the one and only Hagrid. Awesome! Now he had something to chew on during Divination to keep him focused on keeping sane and not seeing any flying unicorns flying outside the castles windows. Those were obviously from his imagination... yeah, yeah of course; afterall, it's not as if the scents permeating the Divination classroom were mind-addling.

Putting his box of sweets aside, he grabbed the pre-last present of the bunch. A bright green jumper with a Hungarian Horntail dragon on the front and several mince pies that could only have come from the one and only Mrs. Weasley. He would have to send her a thank you letter latter today to thank her for knitting the jumper. It must've eaten up a lot of her personal time to have done it.

But now it was time, time to open up the last present of the pile. The box that contained the last present was safe-guarded with a dull black covering, blotted silver scythes engraved among its edges, gently springing as if on a collision course with unwavered souls hiding among the tombstones of a graveyard.

Opening the jewellery box, he found himself to be partially correct. The box was home to a silver watch that looked as if it was made a century or two ago. He was sure that he had seen before, maybe from one of the Sherlock Holmes movies that aired occasionally on the BBC? Must have been expensive by the looks of it but it had been sent unanimously, would've been cool if it could turn stuff invisible as well.

There was the problem that the time was wrong. Pushing against the stopper to change the position of the arrows in accordance to their magically-enhanced mechanical watch mounted on the wall, suddenly, something changed.

It was subtle and hard to detect but his senses were warning him that something was wrong. He became as solid as a rock as he tried to discern the problem when he noticed something. He could hear his own blood moving across his body.

This… was not normal. What was going on? He had only heard this rushing sound at around midnight, when he still slept in the cupboard under the stairs at No.4 Privet Drive, when everyone fell asleep and everything was silent.

Silent.

There was no sound around him.

Dear Merlin, now this was unexpected.

Standing up with a bewildered look on his face, he surveyed his room mates, all of whom lay motionless on their beds. Were they dead? Why wasn't Ron snoring?! Had he killed them? This wasn't happening. It must be a dream.

Distracted by the dread that had reached and grasped his struggling heart; his numb fingers closed against the stopper and brought it down. He released a muted cry of disbelief as everything went back to normal and elephant snores once again permeated the room. It was as if nothing had even changed!

Ron was still snoring, Neville didn't stop drooling and the dripping snow outside was as audible as ever in the winter weather.

Reeling back in shock, he stared in awe at his present. This was amazing! Searching the rough box revealed that the sender did not include a card or a tag of some kind so he was left clueless as to who had sent it. All he knew was that the timing was perfect as he could now use the magical, time-stopping watch in the upcoming tasks.

Best Christmas Present Ever!

Throughout the next hour or so his dorm mates finally started to wake up. The room was filled with excitement as each of them surveyed what they had got for the holiday.

"Hey, Harry, why didn't you wake me up earlier," mumbled Ron in an accusing tone, eyes half closed and legs clumsily trying to find out how to stand again.

Wishing to keep the watch a secret, Harry wouldn't dare mention that throughout the hour he had been testing and experimenting with the watch to see what he could do to people while they were asleep. Judging by the fact that Ron had still not noticed the fact that his left leg had an unexplained bruise on its surface and that his nose was orange, all was going well.

"Umm, I didn't want to wake you up early or else you would be going around sleepy all day long," he said.

"But Harry, it's Christmas!" Ron exclaimed in disbelief.

Well Ron, if you had been awake, your head would have been blown off and you would've probably died of jealousy and not talked to me again for months on end!

"Blimey mate, next time, wake me up as early as you can!" exclaimed Ron as he ravaged his own pile of presents standing at the foot of his bed.

Yes, he would wake up Ron as early as he could next Christmas morning. Precisely at 12:01 in the morning, he would scare the living crap out of him with the illusion of a giant black hairy spider before casting a silencing charm on his bed and going to sleep.

Ronald would be delighted.

"Oi, mate. Thanks for the hat, it's awesome!" yelled Ron, shattering the image of a giant spider swallowing Ron up for Breakfast.

"Sure mate, don't forget to return those 10 galleons!" he yelled right back.

"Hahaha, fuck you Harry," Ron replied.

Inside jokes and Irony had a special place inside his heart. Right next to the Dark Side and under Jerking off. Somewhere there.

Smirking whilst shaking his head from side to side, his head sunk down even lower into the Quidditch book. Yes, he would definitely need to tell Hermione his thanks when he next met her. Probably squealing over some gift from Victor Krum.

After the guys finished admiring their presents, the competition for who went to shower first fiercely started up. Of course, Dean won first dibs. That guy was like a fish in the water

This was when a thought truly worthy of the Marauders entered his mindscape.

Taking out his watch, he clicked on the stopper and again, everything stopped, everything expect for him that is. Standing up from his bed, he made his way over to the bathroom and muttered the unlocking spell, "Alohomora".

He was not afraid of seeing Dean's naked body because when he had stopped the time the shower had still been running which signified that Dean was behind the covering curtain in the shower.

When he had entered, he saw that he was correct and sighed in relief for if he had been wrong, he doubted he would ever forget this moment for the rest of his extremely long wizardly life (well expect if Voldemort came back to life and decided to off him, but that was unlikely to happen).

Realizing how evil he was being, he randomly smiled at the mirror and gave himself a thumbs up. Soon, no one would mess with Harry Potter. And if they did… they would face his most villainous pranks!

That reminded him, he definitely needed to pull a prank and blame the Weasley twins for it. Nobody would ever suspect that he – Harry Potter, aka, the-boy-who-lived – would ever pull a prank. He was too 'mature' for that nonsense and as long as people believed that then everything was going to be well and good; at least for him (Mwahahaha).

Pointing his wand just in front of the shower head that was visible from his spot, he got prepared to speak out the spell that he had only recently learned during the preparations for the first task. He had stumbled upon it by sheer accident but it was hilarious.

"Pisciforuss Fishiuss," he snivelled out in his greatest Snape impersonation.

Almost at once, the stuck-in-time streams of water coming from the shower head became small, tiny, schools of fishes. Oh, Dean would love this!

Wanting to go a bit overboard, he pointed his wand at every object that he could see and uttered, "Colovaria" whilst tightly holding the colours green and silver in his mind's eye. In moments, the bathroom looked scarily like a Chinese replica of the Slytherin Common Room lavatories.

Deciding that Dean Thomas wouldn't be scared enough by his fishes and bright colours, he decided to give him something that would drive the point into Dean's head like a lightning bolt to the forehead.

He pointed his wand just above where Dean's head was supposed to be and repeated the spell, "Serpensortia" twice and then hit Dean with a temporary invulnerability charm that wouldn't stop any spells but would stop any physical damage. The only useful charm that Potions class had taught him.

If a badly deformed Slytherin bathroom, small fishes touching his body and his privates, and two snakes on his head and shoulders didn't scare him then he would give the guy a medal.

Retreating from the bathroom and locking the door behind him, he lay down on his bed and settled back into his previous position.

He was so damn excited to see it actually happen; so damn excited. He was practically trembling from the wait and waist. The moment of truth had come and so, with baited breath, he clicked the stopper once more and time resumed.

A second passed, then two, then three, then-

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He swore that his eardrums had just got busted but nevertheless, a smile worthy of a Harlequin filled his face as he desperately tried to hide it in his new book.

Ron, the idiot he was, toppled from his chair and hit the floor with a 'Blimey!' look on his face as he starred at the bathroom.

Neville leaped up with inhumane strength and hit his head on the headboard, nothing exciting there.

Seamus though, Seamus had dropped the book that he had also been reading but as it turned out it had been just a cover for a playboy magazine, as it had slipped right out upon contact with the ground. He had never seen Seamus look this red in his entire life.

When he had made the prank though, he had not expected two different variables in his calculations.

One of which was that Dean could have been so frightened that he would have run out of the bathroom in all of his... glory.

Now he would never forget this moment for the rest of his life - dang it.

Another thing that he hadn't been expecting was for his best friend, Hermione Granger, to ascend the stairs as soon as Dean had come out.

He gasped for breath amidst his laughing bursting from his shocked face. This was – was priceless! He wished that Collin could have come now with his camera and cemented this moment forever. Ahahaha, Ahahaha. Oh, Oh, Hahaha. He was dying of laughter, literally.

If he thought that Seamus had been red than it did not even compare to poor dear Hermione. The poor witch was left there, mouth agape, to stare at her naked classmate with no support whatsoever. And if his eyes weren't lying to him then the sun red witch had her eyes strain ever so slightly 'down there' from time to time. Priceless.

Dean, on the other hand, had stopped screaming once he assessed what was going on. Instead he had immediately covered his crotch and began running back into the bathroom, his ass crack visible for all to be seen.

Grabbing a towel off the rack, he covered himself up and escaped the contaminated place that was the bathroom.

Ron's mouth couldn't have been any lower.

Gods, he was dying of laughter inside. Someone save him!

To top it all off, he clicked on the stopper again. Oh yes, he wasn't quite done. Walking over to Dean, he loosened his hold on the towel and entered the bathroom where he picked up some fishes from the ground before he slid them into the openings between the towel and Deans body.

Oh yes, revenge was so sweet.

He then walked over to Hermione and whispered into her ear, "I'm sorry" as he moved her leg so that she would trip, as soon as he resumed time... right into Dean.

Oh, this was going to be beyond priceless but he wasn't quite done, this needed a finishing touch.

Going to the common room, he rang the emergency bell that was connected to the infirmary and the hospital wing. Within seconds, Madam Pomphrey and Professor McGonagall would arrive after he resumed back time and –, he was so naughty!

Going back to his bed, he laid back down and resumed back time.

Immediately, Dean let go of the towel as the fish caused him to do a double take and go down onto the floor. Unfortunately for him, Hermione tripped down and fell right onto his… private area.

Ron's mouth was hitting the floor while his face was a ginger that he had never even seen before.

Seamus was grinning like a maniac as he witnessed his best friend get a girl onto his manhood in a crowded dormitory, forgetting all about the compromising magazine that was lying for the world to see.

Neville – Neville just closed his eyes and ears, disbelieving anything that had happened so far.

From downstairs, he could hear the Floo activate, the teachers had arrived.

Now he just needed to clean up. Pushing the stopper for the last time, he made his way to the bathroom and vanished everything that he had caused, making it look as if nothing had happened. Then he had moved onto Dean and evaporated the fishes that he had transfigured that in any other circumstance would have had Professor McGonagall proud of him. With the evidence removed, he decided to squeeze even more fun out of the situation, if that was even possible.

He placed a spell onto the towel that ensured that by the time that the teachers had gotten here, it would have vanished.

Knowing that he was going for some real shock value he moved to Hermione and unclasped her robe, finding her in her bra and panties underneath. Then he covered Hermione with the now unfastened robe, to make it look as if she was currently wearing it. This was done to make it look natural to the onlookers as her robes fell. Hermione would be in too much shock to notice. Who was the dumb one now, Hermione?

It would have been better to undress Hermione as well; however, she was his best friend and so she didn't deserve that fate, yet. Plus, that Quidditch book had been awesome.

Thinking to himself how he could compensate for this setback, a brilliant idea came to mind. A brilliant but evil idea. Bloody hell, he must do it!

Standing up he conjured some water and spread it across Hermione's stomach, in places where Dean could not see them. He then changed its colour to a cloudy white and made it stick with a weak sticking charm.

Did he say that he was evil? Mwahahaha, payback was so good. This was probably why his dad and Sirius liked pranking so much, it relieved stress and made things much more… interesting.

Having done his part, Harry moved back to his bed, got himself in position with his mouth agape and resumed back time.

When the teachers entered the room, you could hear a pin drop.

…

…

…

He was crying himself to death, he couldn't rein in his boisterous laughter. This was fabulous. The expression on McGonagall's face when she saw the scene was – priceless, just priceless. Gryffindor would be losing so many points today that it would outright send first years into comas and dam any hope of any victory for Gryffindor but it was so worth it!

Poor, poor Dean. The unfortunate boy would be receiving dozens of howlers once his parents found out about this incident. By the end of today, everybody would know what had transpired in the Gryffindor tower. At least his manhood seemed happy.

His disbelieving eyes spoke a thousand words though. Ahahaha.

Poor Hermione faced the same fate, the white water sticking to her bra and her queasy look made the picture look more authentic than anything that Harry could conjure up with his wand.

Madam Pomphrey – Madam Pomphrey must've had a heart attack. A mental one at that as she had fainted to the ground. Poor Madam Pomphrey. She needed to close her mouth or else a hippogriff would fly in.

A few seconds passed in tense silence as the students surveyed the teachers, well now teacher, and the teacher surveyed the students.

Finally, Professor McGonagall unleashed her banshee-like powers, "Why I Never! Miss Granger! Mr. Thomas! What is the meaning of this?!"

Harry smiled. Best Christmas Ever!


End file.
